Dear Therapist,
My friend has been saying things like ‘everyone would be better off without me.’ I’m worried, but I don’t want to overreact. How can I tell if someone is really in danger of suicide and what should I do?
-Concerned Friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
First, thank you for caring enough to notice and ask this question, it shows how much you value your friend’s well-being. Sometimes a person can feel overwhelmed by another person’s pain and feel lost in how to respond. That feeling can lead to lots of worry that causes the person to freeze because they’re afraid of saying the “wrong thing”. This happens when it comes to difficult topics, like, grief, depression, illness, or suicide. I understand the worries of not doing or saying something that will help.
When someone says things like “everyone would be better off without me,” it’s important not to dismiss it or assume it’s just talk. Comments like these can be a signal of deep emotional pain and may indicate suicidal thoughts. It’s always better to respond with care than to take the risk of staying silent.
Even if your friend says they’re “just joking” or tries to brush it off, expressions of hopelessness or feeling like a burden are warning signs. Trust your instincts, if it worries you, it matters.
Let your friend know you’re there. You might say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been feeling down, and when you said people would be better off without you, I got concerned. Can you tell me more about what you’re going through?” Your willingness to listen and openness shows them they don’t have to hide their feelings. Knowing that you noticed helps them to not feel so alone. Ask your friend if they’ve been thinking about suicide. I know that might feel scary and sometimes a person might think they’re putting the idea in the person’s head, however asking someone if they’re suicidal can protect them. In fact, research shows it can reduce risk by giving them a chance to open up honestly. People who have felt suicidal will often say what a huge relief it was to be able to talk about what they have been experiencing.
Let your friend know you’re there for them by being a supportive presence without judgement to listen to their feelings and be able to express themselves if they want to. Listening involves actively listening and responding with open ended questions. Avoid giving your advice or opinions.
Offer assistance by connecting them with a therapist, doctor or a support line. This might feel overwhelming for your friend so you might offer to sit with them while they make the call.
Supporting someone who is struggling can be distressing, especially if that person is in danger of taking their own life or harming themselves. It can be emotionally heavy, that’s why it’s also necessary for you to take care of yourself. You might need your own support as well, whether it’s through family, other friends or a therapist, to process what’s happened.
Your friend is lucky to have someone who cares enough to notice and act. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers. Simply being present, listening, and connecting them with help could truly save a life.
In the U.S., the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7. Calling or texting 988 connects your friend to trained crisis counselors. If you ever feel your friend is in immediate danger, don’t wait—call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.
I have a link to Suicide Prevention resources here: Suicide Prevention Resources
Thank you for reaching out about this important topic. It’s not easy to support someone who is in crisis. I appreciate your courage in being there for them.
This column is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. Reading this does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are struggling with anxiety or another mental health concern, please reach out to a licensed professional in your area for support. If you are in crisis or thinking of harming yourself, please call 988 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room.