Dear Therapist,
My mom calls me multiple times a day and drops by without notice. When I tell her I need more space, she says I’m “being dramatic” or “ungrateful.” I love her but I feel constantly invaded. How do I set boundaries without hurting her feelings?
-Confused Daughter
Dear Confused Daughter,
Boundaries aren’t walls to shut people out; they’re guideposts to protect the relationship. Boundaries create more respect, stronger relationships, and a greater sense of personal freedom. Instead of pushing people away, they allow connection without resentment. You want to maintain a loving relationship with your mom while also letting her know that you deserve respect for your time and space.
It can be particularly difficult for parents of adult children to recognize that their child is now an adult with their own life, responsibilities, and needs. Your mom may still, in her mind, think of you as the child who lives at home instead of the adult you have become. Having this in mind can help you be gentle with her while also reinforcing your need for space. Gentle doesn’t mean vague, though—being both warm and firm helps your message come across clearly.
Start by letting her know you appreciate her and her desire to spend time together—“I value our relationship and want it to keep it healthy.” Remind her that while you enjoy the quality time you spend together, you also have your own priorities and needs. Then set a clear, specific boundary: “I can talk on the phone after 6pm” or “Please text before you stop by.” The goal is to be assertive in your communication with her. Being assertive does not mean being rude—it means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs clearly and respectfully, while also acknowledging the other person’s perspective.
Expect resistance from her; that does not mean you are wrong. Resistance to change is normal. You may even feel guilt for asserting your needs, but remember that guilt does not mean you’re doing something bad—it simply means you’re doing something new. Her feelings are her responsibility; your boundaries are yours. Over time, consistency in enforcing your boundaries teaches others how to treat us. And if you feel overwhelmed when she pushes back, give yourself a pause before responding so you can hold your ground calmly.
