Dear Therapist,

I lost someone close to me that I loved deeply.  Life seems to be moving on while I’m stuck in sadness.  How do I heal without feeling like I am forgetting them?

-Feeling lost

Dear Feeling Lost,

First, I want to acknowledge your loss and how heavy this feels for you.  I am sorry you are trying to manage navigating this situation.  Grief does not move on a timeline, and it certainly doesn’t follow the pace of others around you. Grief is different for everyone and how a person grieves will look different to the next person.  

Recently, Sheinelle Jones from the Today Show, returned to work and talked about her grief after losing her husband.  She describes her grief to be a “cleansing rain” so rather than avoiding her tears, she now embraces them as healing.  She stated, “when it comes to grief, I see it as like, ‘Okay here comes my cleansing rain…it’s okay.”  

I understand your worry of feeling like if you move towards healing it will also feel like you are choosing to forget the person you’ve lost.  Healing doesn’t have to mean forgetting your loved one.  Healing can help you shift how you carry the sadness.  You might do this through remembering them with stories, carrying on traditions, etc.  Bringing your loved one into the present moment can be comforting.  This also helps to keep their presence alive.  

Here are a few gentle practices that may help:

Give yourself permission to grieve. There’s no “right” amount of time to feel sad. Your process is your own.

Find ways to honor their memory. Light a candle, create a photo album, write them a letter, or share stories with others who loved them.

Let support in. Talking with friends, support groups, or a therapist can help you feel less alone in the process.

Self care is important.  When it feels okay, get in some movement through exercise.  Try to prioritize eating balanced meals and getting adequate sleep.

Give yourself an opportunity to process emotions.  Journaling your feelings and thoughts can provide a private, safe space to express the raw emotions and thoughts about the loss.  Writing can turn complex feelings into words, helping to externalize and reduce their intensity.

Balance sadness with moments of living. It’s okay to laugh, to feel joy, and to move forward in life. Doing so doesn’t diminish the love you have, it honors it.

Healing does not mean forgetting but rather you are remembering in a new way.  You are moving towards making space for grief and life to coexist.  I hope you find the balance you need to keep the memory of your loved one alive in your present day while also moving forward in life as I’m sure they would want for you.