Dear Therapist,
I was in a 5 year long relationship that was unhealthy from all aspects and now I’m recognizing how toxic it really was. The first 1 year was good but after it went downhill and I am finally out of it. It’s taken a huge hit to my self-confidence. How do I rebuild my self-worth after being in such a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship?
-Still healing
Dear Still Healing,
Toxic or abusive relationships slowly wear down your sense of self and are difficult to detach from particularly when you can remember the first year being good. I often hear from clients that they wish to get back to “the way things were” when the relationship first began. I’m proud of you for being able to leave even when you might not have been sure of what would be on the other side of it.
These types of relationships teach you to doubt your intuition, apologize for your needs, shrink to avoid conflict, and work endlessly to earn scraps of affection. That kind of environment rewires your nervous system and your beliefs about who you are.
Rebuilding your self-worth isn’t about “getting over it.” It’s about unlearning the lies you were taught about yourself. Here’s where the healing begins.
1. Name the impact, not just the relationship. Instead of only saying “It was a toxic relationship,” try:
“I learned to blame myself for everything.”
“I stopped trusting my feelings.”
“I believed my needs were too much.”
Acknowledging how it changed you is the first step in changing it back.
2. Rebuild trust in your own internal signals. Abusive dynamics often make you disconnect from your intuition. Start small: Notice what feels good or bad. Practice choosing what you want (even if it’s tiny). Let your preferences matter again.
3. Challenge the beliefs you internalized. You may have absorbed messages like:
“I’m hard to love.”
“Everything is my fault.”
“My needs are a burden.”
These were never the truth, they were someone’s control strategy. Replace them with grounded, compassionate statements that reflect reality.
4. Reconnect with parts of yourself you abandoned. Ask yourself:
Who was I before this relationship?
What did I silence to keep the peace?
What parts of me feel missing or muted now?
Your self-worth grows as those parts come back online.
5. Practice resetting your nervous system with grounding techniques. The messages you received in this relationship changed the “wiring” let’s get back to you being in control of regulating your nervous system. Some suggested tools would be:
Cold water: Splash cold water on your face or take a cold shower to help regulate your nervous system.
Deep breathing: Practice deep belly breathing to shift your body out of survival mode.
Vagus nerve activation: Try activities like humming, singing, or gargling water, as these can stimulate the vagus nerve to help calm the body.
Sensory grounding: Use your five senses to anchor yourself in the present moment, such as feeling the texture of a blanket or listening to specific sounds.
6. Surround yourself with people who reflect the real you. Healing self-worth requires new mirrors, people who see you accurately, treat you kindly, and don’t make you earn basic respect. The person you were with might have isolated you from trusted friends and family because they saw them as a threat who might have seen through their treatment of you. Reconnect with the emotionally healthy people in your life.
7. Give yourself “closure” because you can forget the person you were with to give it to you. In fact, closure really is something you give yourself. I have recommended many times to clients to write the “unsent letter” that helps them release all the thoughts, words, feelings they have in order to process what they have experienced. You can write your “unsent letter” to say goodbye to the relationship. After you can destroy it, bury it, or whatever feels right for you. It’s a healing exercise that can often help you close that chapter in your life.
8. Take the healing at your pace. You are not “behind.” You’re recovering from a wound that wasn’t your fault. Self-worth comes back slowly, through hundreds of small choices where you choose yourself again. You’re not rebuilding from scratch, you’re reclaiming what was always yours.
It takes a lot of courage and strength to leave a 5 year unhealthy relationship. Allow yourself the grace to move at your own pace as you navigate your journey in this next chapter. If you need further support seek out a mental health therapist that can help provide a safe, compassionate environment to process your experiences and build coping mechanisms.
I wish you joy, healing and love in your next chapter, you’ve got this!
This column is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. Reading this does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are struggling with anxiety or another mental health concern, please reach out to a licensed professional in your area for support. If you are in crisis or thinking of harming yourself, please call 988 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room.