Dear Therapist,
I feel like I’m behind my friends in life. Every time I look, someone’s gotten a promotion, advanced their degree, is getting married, or having their first kid. What’s wrong with me? I think I’m trying but when I look at where others are about my age I feel like I am actually not doing as good as I should be.
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
What you’re feeling is something many people experience but rarely talk about, that quiet fear of falling behind while everyone else seems to be moving forward. It’s easy to forget that life isn’t a synchronized race; it’s a deeply personal journey shaped by timing, values, and circumstance.
In today’s world, that comparison is amplified with social media and all the “highlights” people post. At any hour of the day, we’re exposed to a carefully curated display of others’ wins with little context for what else is going on in their life or the struggles they may have endured to find their own successes. While comparing ourselves to others can sometimes have a positive effect, leading to motivation or goal-setting, it more often chips away at our self-worth. This is especially true when we use someone else’s timeline as the measure of our own progress.
When we measure our worth against someone else’s milestones, we lose sight of our own growth. The truth is, there’s nothing “wrong” with you, you’re just seeing your path unfold differently. Careers, relationships, and accomplishments don’t happen on a single timeline, and sometimes the season you’re in is about becoming, not achieving.
Try shifting your focus from comparison to curiosity:
✨ What do I want my life to look like right now?
✨ What would feel meaningful to me, not just impressive to others?
No matter the category, it’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind when you measure your path to someone else’s success. More ways to overcome these feelings are to keep in mind you are on your own path and that is going to look different than others. There’s no straight timeline in life that you follow or no “right” way. You might also want to dig a bit deeper about your feelings and what’s beneath the surface of what might present as envy. Is there a missed opportunity that you’re feeling the loss of? Are you frustrated from feeling stuck in some aspect? Try being a bit more curious as to why you feel this way.
Most importantly, focus on self-compassion. I know you might hear this often, especially from me if you’ve been following my responses here to other’s questions. In our society, we are so quick to judge ourselves harshly and the self-criticism is high. I think there’s a fear that if we give ourselves a bit more compassion it’s like we are making excuses or giving ourselves a “pass”. This is not at all the case in most every circumstance. There’s research that shows self-compassion leads to greater emotional well-being, higher level of happiness and lower levels of anxiety and depression. Giving yourself grace is essential.
You are not behind. You’re right where you need to be for your story to continue unfolding.
This column is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. Reading this does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are struggling with anxiety or another mental health concern, please reach out to a licensed professional in your area for support. If you are in crisis or thinking of harming yourself, please call 988 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room.