Dear Therapist,
I keep ending up in relationships where I feel like I have to earn love or prove my worth. No matter how much I give or do for someone, I still end up feeling unappreciated or not enough. Why do I keep attracting people who make me question my value?
-Never enough
Dear Never enough,
What you’re describing is something many people experience, a pattern of seeking love in places that mirror old wounds rather than heal them. When your self-worth has been shaped by experiences where love felt conditional, when you had to be “good,” “helpful,” or “pleasing” to receive care or attention, it can feel natural to keep trying to earn connection.
It can be helpful to reflect on your early experiences, as these patterns often have roots in childhood. You may have learned to associate love and approval with achievement or performance, leading to the belief that you must constantly earn affection or avoid disapproval. When clients share similar struggles, I often explore their sense of self-confidence. A lack of confidence can create the feeling that you don’t truly deserve love, reinforcing the need to “earn” it through actions or accomplishments. You may also notice that your sense of worth has become tied to being chosen, validated, or accepted by others, rather than recognizing your inherent value simply for being who you are.
The work of healing begins with turning that same energy you use to earn others’ love inward. Notice when you overextend, people-please, or shrink yourself to maintain peace. Ask, “What would it look like to choose myself in this moment?”
I often invite clients to practice self-compassion. It’s one of the most challenging yet transformative steps in this process. Many people are far kinder to others than they are to themselves, believing they don’t deserve the same gentleness. But treating yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend can help you become more accepting of your own humanity. How we treat ourselves shows others how we expect to be treated.
Healthy love isn’t something we perform for. It’s something that grows where mutual respect, safety, and authenticity are present. The moment you start proving your worth, you’ve already been pulled into a dynamic where your value feels negotiable, and it’s not.
You deserve relationships that meet you where you are, not ones that require you to shrink to be loved. Real love doesn’t ask you to earn your place, it invites you to be seen fully, flaws and all.
“You don’t have to earn love, you were born worthy of it.”
This column is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. Reading this does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are struggling with anxiety or another mental health concern, please reach out to a licensed professional in your area for support. If you are in crisis or thinking of harming yourself, please call 988 in the U.S. or go to your nearest emergency room.